progresssive rules for the dogs

posted by: John Sweney | September 1, 2005

dhs2We have dogs. Three of them. We refer to them as our Department of Homeland Security. Coco protects us from invading butterflies, Angie makes sure you are constantly warmed by a dog breath breeze, and Seven stares at you to make sure you are not abducted by aliens…

Someone sent me these rules for dogs in the house. We have followed them, to the letter:

Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the dog house.

Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.

Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.

Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.

Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the heck he pleases.

The dog is never allowed on the furniture.

Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.

Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we’ll sell the whole dang lot and buy new furniture… upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.

The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.

Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he’s not allowed under the covers.

Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.

Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he’s got to leave the room.

Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he’s not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I’m now sleeping. That’s just not fair.

The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as “primary resident,” even if it’s true.


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About John Sweney

John Sweney is a marketing communications and public relations consultant, public speaker and entrepreneur. As co-founder and CEO of Brookwoods Group, he and his team provide customized interim communications and marketing services to large companies and startups.

comments

  • http://www.linkedin.com/in/johnsweney John Sweney

    I just love dogs! I think all dogs should be able to sleep on the bed!

  • http://www.essential-iws.com Linda Musthaler

    Hey, John, you should try observing these rules with a 100+ pound dog! My black lab, Sadie, is a bigger bed hog than Arnold Ziffle. Her constantly wagging tail is more dangerous than a Jedi’s light saber, especially for – shall we say — the male anatomy, which happens to be at the same height as Sadie’s tail. Since we adopted Sadie (or rather, she adopted us), we have not had to wash a single dish, pot or pan. (Just kidding, Mom! I DO wash the dishes. Sometimes.) Sadie protects us well, since anyone who would walk around the house in the dead of night will trip over her and get hurt in the fall. Saddly, I know this from personal experience. But she is generous with her love and devoted beyond belief, so that makes it all worthwhile.

  • http://www.essential-iws.com/ Linda Musthaler

    Hey, John, you should try observing these rules with a 100+ pound dog! My black lab, Sadie, is a bigger bed hog than Arnold Ziffle. Her constantly wagging tail is more dangerous than a Jedi's light saber, especially for – shall we say — the male anatomy, which happens to be at the same height as Sadie's tail. Since we adopted Sadie (or rather, she adopted us), we have not had to wash a single dish, pot or pan. (Just kidding, Mom! I DO wash the dishes. Sometimes.) Sadie protects us well, since anyone who would walk around the house in the dead of night will trip over her and get hurt in the fall. Saddly, I know this from personal experience. But she is generous with her love and devoted beyond belief, so that makes it all worthwhile.